Why do we undermine ourselves, and what can we do about it?

It still surprises me how often I hear people say things like I’m passed-it, I haven’t achieved anything in their life, done anything in their life, been anyone. Often I hear these phrases from leaders, from housewives and grandmothers, from creatives who haven’t yet become famous, from dissatisfied professionals, and from older gay men who are single and don’t have the prescribed 2.5 kids.

After talking to many of these people I have to pick myself up off the floor when I hear all the great things they have done, achieved, been and are. Things they themselves do not seem to appreciate.

So why is it we do such a good job of undermining ourselves?

There are many theories as to why we might dig holes in our own self-worth. The most widely known probably being Sigmund Freud’s ‘Life and Death’ drive conflict. This is the conflict often referred to as between Thanatos (aggression and destructiveness) and Eros (the tendency towards survival, for sex, and for the creative impulse).

For an updated take on this conflict you only need think of the work of Tony Robbins. In his book ‘Awaken The Giant Within’ Robbin’s writes “Everything you and I do, we do either out of our need to avoid pain or our desire to gain pleasure.” It is interesting that from a Tantra perspective we would embrace both pain and pleasure. But this requires a very healthy relationship to our emotions.

This is where things can get tricky. There is a propensity in the West to disregard or at least steer clear of emotion. We place more value on our rational cognitive processes (thinking) even though the evidence is clear that our thoughts are driven by our emotional state.

If we consider the diagram above, our triggers enter the brain through the spinal cord before travelling through the limbic system (where our emotional state is determined) before progressing onto the cortex (where our thoughts are finally formed). Our emotional state drives our thinking. But we rationalise this away and pretend we are rational beings.

We tend to do this unconsciously. But nevertheless it is a ‘coping’ mechanism that allows us to keep away from having to consider too closely our emotional reactions and states. Unfortunately, when we don’t recognise our emotions they can become repressed and re-emerge as a form of displacement. This is where we redirect our frustrations, often in inappropriate ways or places, undermining our own self-worth.

There are key indicators that we are undermining our own self-worth, with some of the most common being:

1.    When we become fixated on what is wrong with us or our situation, and so focussing only on the negative. Indeed, sometimes not even recognising that there are any positives.

2.    Or, seeing our self-worth dependent on what we get from others rather than what we can give to and get from ourselves. This places us at the mercy of how others see us and often leads to us accepting less that we deserve.

3.    Or, constantly placing others needs above our own. This can seem a very giving and selfless approach. But leaves little room for your own development, growth and well-being.

Indeed, thinking back to my opening statement about people thinking they are passed-it we can see that one of the great under-miners is our attitude towards age. The consequences of holding a negative attitude towards aging has been shown to have an impact on both our mental health and the quality of the life older people experience. But you only have to consider the general metaphors banded about in the press on the ageing ‘time bomb’ and the catastrophic ‘tsunami’ to see culturally how this can infect our thinking.

So what can we do about this?

1.    Change our inner dialogue and the questions we ask. First you will need to consciously pay particular attention to your inner dialogue so you can become aware. Meditation is a great vehicle for doing this. You will then be in a better position to connect with your emotions and the language you use to express your current state and the state you wish to have. Asking, ‘How do I truly feel?’, ‘How would I rather feel?’

2.    Start offering yourself treats in recognition of your own self-worth. Allocate time to spend on your own to better engage with you. This will help take you out of your regular settings where you can start to make new and more positive patterns of behaviour. Pay attention to what others say about you and how they treat you. Start collecting all the great positive comments you hear and the things people do that enhance your self-worth. And eliminate those people from your life that express and show a disregard or disrespect for your self-worth.

3.    Put your needs first. This can be very difficult for some who consider this selfish. But we need to realise that without a healthy inner self who’s needs are being met you will have very little of value to offer others anyway.

Our greatest saboteur may be ourselves, but the solution likewise lies within.

Bringing it all together

The key to changing our lives is to change our perception of ourselves. The way to do this is to reconnect with our emotions in the present while asking better questions. For it is our emotional state that drives our thinking. As Buddha said “We are what we think.” Therefore, you need to take control of what you think, rather than allowing what you think take control of you.

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Email me direct if you are interested in mindful, trauma-informed, intimacy or spiritual coaching, or if you would like to join my new Pink Tantra Towards Awakening group for chat rooms, video channels and in-person workshops around tantra and intimacy practices robert.pinktantra@gmail.com

See my personal development / personality profiling book DISCover the Power of You published through John Hunt Publishing Ltd, 2017. ISBN: 978-1-78535-591-2

And for a bit of light reading, see my first historical fictional novel Fermented Spirits published through Austin Macauley Publishers, 2022. ISBN-13: ‎978-1398437159