While change might be ever present, changing our own habits is a perennially difficult matter. But there are recognised steps to support change, especially with recent findings in the field of the neurosciences. Like most things worth having though it all starts with the self, as the ancient Greeks noted long ago through their aphorism ‘know thyself’.
Changing habits is notoriously difficult.
This is because we live most of our lives on ‘automatic pilot’, ie, through our default habits. For most of life this makes sense as it stops us wasting our energy focused on things that can work efficiently without too much attention; walking, eating, driving and a host of other practical and social issues.
Changing habits therefore seems to be working against the flow. And yet tantra is all about changing our habituation. This is part of the Yoga of discernment (see Sat Shree’s The Bhagavad Gita Revealed).
In fact change itself is part and parcel of the evolutionary process. It is inevitable. But changes that happen around about us, and to us, is far from the same as changing our own thoughts, emotions and habits from within.
Our own unconscious resistance to change is the most important challenge facing anyone trying to change any habit as they progress on their spiritual journey. Key reasons for this are:
1. A lack of planning in the run up to our change journey, and a lack of sustained practice, practice, practice as we progress.
2. This can create slippage and blockage, that leads to resistance and eventually a reversion to our default practices. Better the devil you know.
3. We tend to expect linear progress but research in the fields of neuroscience show us that the change process is in fact non-linear and chaotic. We need to recognise this and plan for it up front.
4. Focusing on the threat and so turning the change journey from a positive spiritual experience into a negative one creates more blockages, more resistance and more reversion.
5. This is known to drive a ‘limbic’ response, so rather than feeling motivated to change we feel overly anxious and uncomfortable and undermine our own efforts. Again we need to recognise this and plan for it up front.
All this planning is a bit counterintuitive. We are tapping into the ego, with the ultimate aim of transcending the ego. There are four very practical areas we can plan around to help us on the change journey.
So let us look at each of these.
1. Self-awareness
We need to raise the level of our own self-awareness through self-reflection of our thoughts, emotions and behaviour. For it is our thoughts and emotions that drive our behaviour, and so our habits.
Socrates is credited with first saying Know Thyself.
If you know your own ‘default’ traits you will be in a position to understand why you do what you do, and why you do these things in the way that you do. Simon Sinek in his famous TedX talk (and subsequently his book) speaks of Knowing your Why. To me this is premature. First you must know your You.
Know the Who before you can truly gauge the Why!
DISC (see my YouTube video on DISC) is the personality profiling / psychometric method I use, which offers a means to understand yourself and others in a matter of minutes and is therefore an invaluable tool in this respect.
2. Acceptance
The paradox of change is that we need to accept who we are before we can become who we want to be. Frederick Perls noted “change occurs when one becomes what he is, not when he tries to become what he is not.” This is because we are invariable stuck in a place where we think we ‘should be’, being played out through those default habits.
It is worth bearing in mind that our brains are hard wired in such a way that ensures we are either people or task orientated. This means we will ‘naturally’ make more use of;
· a network of brain areas connecting the midline (around the dorsal and ventromedial) if we are people orientated,
· or make more use of the dorsal and ventral attention systems if we are task orientated.
What is important to note is that the use of either of these suppresses the other. And within the brain, the strength of either will depend on how often it is used.
So if we naturally use one in favour of the other this will become stronger and stronger, while the other becomes weaker and weaker.
In order to counter this process, we first need to become aware of it, then accept it, and then take the time to reconnect with our ‘other’ side through repetitive use.
3. Repetition
Practice, practice, practice the new thought or behaviour (to establish the new habit) changing the old saying ‘practice makes perfect’ to ‘practice makes permanent’.
This step is often referred to as giving focused attention (but focused attention to the positive spiritual journey, not the negative consequences).
It has long been accepted, you get what you focus on.
But we need to recognise that this is a highly energy intensive act that will deflect energy from other areas and activities and so can be difficult to sustain.
4. Support
To support our ongoing journey we need to engage in a purposeful relationship (often with a coach, mentor, guru, counsellor or support group of peers) to help keep us on track.
Remembering it will take a lot of self-reflection and incisive questioning to raise our self-awareness, and lots of self-management and motivation to keep focused attention and repetitive practice.
Bringing it all together
While change might be ever present, changing our own habits is a perennially difficult matter. But there are recognised steps to support change, especially with recent findings in the field of the neurosciences. Like most things worth having though it all starts with the self, as the ancient Greeks noted long ago through their aphorism ‘know thyself’.
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Email me direct if you are interested in mindful, trauma-informed, intimacy or spiritual coaching, or if you would like to join my new Pink Tantra Towards Awakening group for chat rooms, video channels and in-person workshops around tantra and intimacy practices robert.pinktantra@gmail.com
See my personal development / personality profiling book DISCover the Power of You published through John Hunt Publishing Ltd, 2017. ISBN: 978-1-78535-591-2
And for a bit of light reading, see my first historical fictional novel Fermented Spirits published through Austin Macauley Publishers, 2022. ISBN-13: 978-1398437159